Letters Unsent
by aznpride16xx
Summary: It isn't easy to express yourself after holding up a facade after so many years. A series of letters were written that should have been sent, but instead were sealed away in a box with the Humpty lock and Dumpty Key. The letters were not shown, but never forgotten. These were her Letters Unsent.
1. Chapter 1

**Meilin: Hello, Minna-san~ I have a new Amuto fic for you to read. I'm not too sure about how you guys will like this series, so leave me a comment/ review on what you like, didn't like, or if you'd like me to continue.  
Oh and there are quite a few Shugo Chara references that I twisted a bit in this story, so I apologize if you don't quite understand them.  
Enjoy!**

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"Hello there, Ikuto,

Isn't it bizarre how two people could be in the same place every day, could live in the same area for years, and have the same friends yet never meet? I met you a few months back, didn't I? If it weren't for Kuukai, you and I never would have become friends.

I find it strange how Kuukai and I even became friends. I wasn't the greatest person to get to know. I'd act as if things didn't matter, I couldn't express myself the way I wanted to, but in reality I was only afraid of the outcome. But he was a little quirky and I guess I was intrigued by that. It made life seem a little more interesting. It wasn't just Kuukai either, Nagihiko and Kairi were there also. They were all there when we first met.

The time past by so quickly, but with all the time I spent with everyone, it gave me a more positive feel about getting to know people and making friends. I made friends that day; me – Amu Hinamori made bonds, connections, companionship, whatever you'd like to call it. It was a weird feeling, yet, nice all the same.

Friendship wasn't the only thing I'd made that day. I made a stronger relationship with you, Ikuto Tsukiyomi. You were calm and quiet, mysterious even, but you had a smile that rivaled the sun and eyes that told a story. Was it odd that I could relate to your eyes? They held a melancholy feel to them, a sadness hidden deep within. Perhaps it was because I had gone through a pain similar to yours? Is that what drew me to you? Maybe, but I had no way of knowing for sure.

You told me your story one day and I told you mine. Somehow I wasn't shocked at the results. You were too much like me. We'd gone down different paths, yet the journey was still the same one. Inevitably, we met along this voyage and became much more than ordinary friends. We've had some struggles and there still will be some in the future, no doubt. However, I had no hesitation. We could get through any obstacle that showed up in our way.

It was interesting, really, how different we were yet how the littlest things mattered most to us. I remembered the one day I was baking desserts with Nadeshiko, my classmate. You came and messed up the cute pastries that were made, all my hard work, broken and gone to waste. But you showed up on my door step, well, my balcony and held a bag of chocolates and goodies with a nonchalant look on your face. It was your way of apologizing without actually saying sorry. _Stop trying to be cool, Ikuto_. I guess I was not one to talk either, was I? The gesture was nice of you, though. I kindly accepted your apology, but you weren't going to get off that easily.

I made you bake with me to replace the lost snacks. I remembered the expression of confusion on our face. You'd never baked a thing in your life, had you? It was priceless. The white flour covered your dark hair like snow on the ground, the cream was all over your clothing, and there was chocolate all over your hands. Not that you minded, you liked chocolate so you licked it off your fingers. You admitted you had fun that day. We made a mess, but it was worth it and we began a food journey together. We both learned how to bake and cook. I knew this journey wasn't going to be easy, but I accepted that challenge.

You try to be strong too, don't you? I remembered that one day, when I found you in the ally way. You were hurting, but you tried to play it off as if you were fine. You tried to brush me off and you wouldn't tell me the reason you were in pain.

"It's nothing," you said to me…

…but I knew you were lying. I could tell. You didn't want to burden me with uselessness, wasn't that right? Wasn't that what you were thinking? You couldn't fool me though, because I thought the same way. We were too much alike, remember?

You had no problem speaking to me after that day. Although your wording was sometimes tricky, I could still make out what you were feeling. More recently, you weren't afraid to speak to me about what was on your mind. Or at least I'd hope you weren't afraid to because I'd always be there to listen. You believed in me, didn't you? I would assume this is true since you're always at my window; just like a cat who always came back to its master.

We talked often, didn't we? The happy times, the sad times, the little things, the important things; we conversed about everything. In a short amount of time, we became closer than average friends…but it didn't mean we were one-hundred percent happy all the time. There were doubts that lingered in our minds and hesitance in the air, but none of that had stopped us before. There were moments when we needed time to ourselves and think things through. Neither of us liked to make rash decisions, after all.

Time continued to go on and the more time I spent with you, the more I was able to show you my real self; not the outer character I played, not the mask I usually hid behind, no façade. But, that came with a price, you could say. The further I became comfortable with you, the more susceptible it was for my heart to experience discomfort. Not because of you, but because the layer of ice was not as thick as it once was. It was the thought of losing you, whether it be to someone else, to Mother Nature, or the cold hard fact that you might've not taken an interest to me anymore. It hurt, but I hid it…maybe a little too well.

"If I could make an outer character like you, maybe things would be easier," you pondered.

You would think it would make things easier, but that was not true in the slightest. Sure, there were certain times when putting on a poker face was convenient, but in all honesty, it just instigated so much more hurt than needed. It caused me to bottle up everything inside and in the end I forgot who I was. I forgot what it felt like to experience happiness, to feel sorrow, and more importantly, I forgot what it was like to laugh.

We both had our issues, didn't we? But the longer we spent together, I noticed that we slowly started to change. Not our personalities, but the way we looked upon life. We were happier, or at least, I was happier. I hoped you were too. The little changes, I saw them. I smiled more, even though the feeling was foreign to me. You had less relapses to the time you were trapped in your mind, the days you were doing dirty work for Easter.

We made it through, Ikuto. We really did it. You helped me out along the way and hopefully I aided you in something.

For now, this is all I have to say to you. Whenever I have something on my mind, I'll write it here in these letters. Bye Ikuto, until next time.

~Amu Hinamori"

…

The pink haired girl placed her pen back in the cup holder it came in. She had just finished writing a letter to a person she held dear. Folding up the paper into thirds she enclosed it in an envelope. She effortlessly wrote the name _Ikuto Tsukiyomi_ on the front and sealed it away in a box with her Humpty lock and Dumpty key. The letters were not shown, but never forgotten. These were her _letters unsent._

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**Meilin: So how did you like it? Not good, okay, you enjoyed it? Let me know :)  
I already have the second chapter written up, so if you'd like me to continue just say the word and I can upload it in about a week or so.  
**

**Until next time, my lovely readers~**


	2. Chapter 2

**Meilin: Alrighty, so here's chapter two. Sorry this wasn't up earlier, but it is now. Sooo...Enjoy~**

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It was just another day like any other day for a teen or young adult: woke up, got ready for work or school, went to class and hung out with friends. It was just another day.

But it was another day that Amu could spend with Ikuto.

The pinkette saw him sitting by himself in a study room one day, like he always was. The girl was running late for her own class, but she wanted to greet her boyfriend with a smile and a hug before later. Amu rushed in, gave Ikuto a quick hug and kiss on top of his head and rushed to the other building, hoping her mere presence could make his day better, even if just a little.

In class, Amu tried her best to pay attention, but the neko kept popping up in her mind. _Stop filling my head, Ikuto. I'm trying to study!_ But her mind just didn't want to comply. The many torturous minutes dragged on, but as soon as the class was dismissed, she happily ran back to where she knew he'd be. An hour or two later, they were both finished with classes for the day and had the rest of the afternoon to do as they pleased.

With not much money in their pockets, the two did the usual: either his place or hers.

"So my place or yours?" Ikuto questioned.

Amu always responded with, "you pick" because she'd liked to hear his suggestions. They were both indecisive though, neither could choose right away. But it seemed Amu had the last pick.

"Fine, your house then."

They didn't do much at Ikuto's place, just some chatting and asking about each other's day. It was a nice and relaxing thing to do. Amu enjoyed his company and felt warm and at peace when she was with him. Nothing special needed to be done. His presence was more than enough.

When Amu had the time, she would sit down, pull out several sheets of paper, a pen and write her letters. In this case, Ikuto was lying on her lap, like a kitten, so she pulled out her phone and began typing a note to herself.

"Good evening Ikuto,

Did I seem too clingy at the time when we first got together? How about now? Did you ever wish that you would have never met me? Well, I didn't ever think like that. To be honest, you may have been one of the best things that happened in my life.

Despite the things that may happen along our journey, I just want to make it clear that I am not angry, nor have I ever been angry with you. Knowing this, I wanted to address something with you.

When you woke up from your cat nap the other day, I noticed you staring at me when I was playing on my phone. You thought I was being rude because I was in your company, but I paid no mind to you who sat right next to me. It wasn't as if I was ignoring you, you usually drift back off into your slumber no more than a mere few seconds later.

I looked over your way and was saddened by the expression on your face. I asked you if you were okay or if there was something bothering you. You made no verbal effort to speak that time. We sat there in silence for what seemed to feel like hours to me, but simple seconds to you. You didn't speak to me. My heart was pounding. My throat was clenching. The silence was deafening and I couldn't take it. It tore me apart on the inside. _Raise your voice, yell and scream, grunt in frustration, do something! Because your silence hurts me and it scares me more than anything._ The silence…it –

"Well, I'm never on my phone when you're sleeping," you finally uttered to me.

Truthfully, when were you ever awake when I was sleeping? There was no need to sugar coat your words. I knew what you were thinking. I wanted to apologize anyway, though I didn't think I had done any wrong. But apologizing did not mean that you were right and I was wrong, did it? It simply meant the fact that our relationship meant more to me than my pride. I had a reason for distracting myself with the electronic device while you slept. I needed to be on it. I guess the reason wasn't too clear to myself, so I had no way of explaining it to you. Both you and I knew that I was bad with expressing my words to begin with. So here, I will attempt to explain:

When you were asleep, I was awake by myself. At first, I'm alright, but seconds go by and I feel alone. There was no company - even when you were physically there. I had to keep my mind occupied. It was a necessity that I keep it busy. Why you may ask? Because my mind wandered to places that should have been locked away. When my mind roamed, my imagination was set free and I had no way of stopping it. I thought about things. I thought about them a lot. I began to ponder things that should have no meaning to me or should never been resurfaced.

I started to think about my life before I met you. The events from my past came back to haunt me and all the betrayals I've felt opened up old wounds. I contemplated on the actions that could have happened, but didn't, and all that had happened, but shouldn't have. My life wasn't miserable, but I _felt_ miserable and I couldn't get out of the hole I fell in. I was trapped for a long time, Ikuto. I almost…no, I gave up trying to climb my way out after I had fallen back down so many times. I was hurt, I was injured, and I was done waiting for some kind of help.

"Perhaps, it is best that I stay down here," I thought.

A funny thing happened though - I hoped you caught the sarcasm there. A rope hit me on the head, and I looked up at it, the glimmer of sunlight blinding me from above. I was afraid to grab onto it. What if the rope wasn't sturdy? What if the person on the other end had the intention of pulling me up to the mouth of the hole, only to let go and shove me back down? I didn't want to take that risk, not again. I didn't have the courage to. After that, I stopped waiting for someone to come rescue me. So, I shut my eyes and closed them from reality.

_I find it kind of funny,  
thought I find it kind of sad;  
the dreams in which I'm dying  
are the best ones  
I've ever had._

Though there was this one day, I remembered, that I had a random burst of energy. I had an urge, I was going to try and climb my way out of the depths of darkness. But, before I got the chance to grab onto the rocks, another rope made its appearance to me. This one was unlike the others. It didn't taunt me. It had a strange, but bright shimmer to it, despite the dark surroundings that devoured it. Its gleam allured me and I grabbed ahold of it. I am uncertain why, but the rope pulled me up without hesitation and freed me from the bone chilling depths of the earth.

I could see the intense light coming from the other side. They were sunrays, I presumed. They looked much different than the last time I had laid eyes upon them. But who knew when that could have been. They were much brighter, clearer, and crisper, as if something brand new was still in its box, glossy and untouched. I was finally released of the restraints of gravity and I was able to breathe the air of a new place. The other side was warm where you were waiting, not ice cold like the well I was inhabiting. The aura was warm – _Your_ aura was warm and welcoming, I might add. It was a greater feeling than anything else I felt in a long time. I was happier and even the little things that seem insignificant to others, I remembered, mattered the most to me. There I was, a new perspective, a new life, and a new attitude toward the world. For that, I am glad.

For _**you**_, I am grateful.

…

My past is in the past, but the scars still remain and I can't help the way that I feel sometimes. My outer character fooled most people, sometimes even you when I tried. "Cool and Spicy" was the label most people gave me, wasn't it? I hid away all my thoughts and insecurities. I tried to act strong, but really, I was dying on the inside. I was confused, uncertain, and lost.

But I got better, thanks to you.

My letter has drifted off to useless rambling now. I suppose all I'm trying to do is apologize though I'm not really sure how to. Am I sorry for being insensitive? For being troublesome? For not being a person you wanted or expected me to be? I think what I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry for being who I am. I'm sorry for being me. I don't' really know how to fix me.

I don't know…

Remember when I said I needed to keep myself distracted? Did I ever tell you what I needed to distract myself from? Well, I had a dream, Ikuto. It wasn't one I really wanted to see. I wish someone would have woken me up. I didn't think about it during the day, but I guess my subconscious was welling me otherwise.

Oh, it seems as though you may be waking up soon. I have to go now, but I'll check back in another day and write about my dream...maybe a nightmare?. Good night for now, Ikuto.

Sweet dreams,

Amu Hinamori"

…

Another letter written, another envelope sealed, more thoughts hidden away all because she didn't know how to express the words she wished to speak.

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**Meilin: So if any of you guys out there can relate, I want you to know that it can be really hard to get rid of those voices in your head, but it's not impossible. Keep thinking about the good things that have happened in your life, all the little things.**

**The pages of yesterday can't be revised, but the pages of tomorrow are blank and you hold then pen. So take control of your own story. I believe in you~**

**Until next time, my lovely readers. Know that I'm here for you even if you don't believe anyone else is.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Meilin: UGH, sorry I haven't been around. I know I haven't touched my other stories in quite a while, but I will get back to them asap. My brain is just dying. Let me just give you this chapter for now and I hope you guys enjoy it!**

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Hi, Ikuto.

I, um...I want you to know something, but I'm not exactly sure how to say it...or what to say, for that matter.

It's getting closer to the day you're going to leave - the day you're going to leave me. I mean, you're not really going to leave me, but it feels that way. Whenever I think about this, I tell my mind that you're not going anywhere; that you're always going to be there next to me. But the more I think about you being by my side, the more afraid I become because it'll hurt that much more when I'm alone.

You're actually sleeping on my lap right now, Ikuto. I'm watching you while you relax: your breathing is even; your snoring is cute; you're sound asleep, like a baby.

I touch your cheek often. I caress you're face every now and then. You're lucky with your soft and fair skin. Your hair is long now, soft like a kitten's fur. When you're asleep you don't seem to have a care in the world and I wish I could keep you at peace even when you're awake. But I can't do that, can I?

How many times have I tried to make you smile? And how many times have I actually succeeded? I've failed more often than not. More people I don't know can make your smile shine brighter than what I can do.

I look down at your face while you rest, Ikuto. It makes me smile to know that you're right here on my lap. But the longer my eyes are open, the more time my tears have to escape.

I fall for your smile every time. In all honestly, I probably wouldn't even know if you were deceiving me. I believe that you wouldn't do that though.

Hmm…

I had a nightmare yesterday, Ikuto. It was about you. I was in it too. Did you know she was in it as well?

It was a bad dream that I ended up crying to on that night. My dream, you ask? I had a dream that she came back. She came looking for you - looking for you to take her back. I was looking for you too that day, but she had already beat me to you, like the first time around; she was your girlfriend first after all. I just came in last...again.

Her smile was very bright, much like your beautiful smile when you were happy. She was happy to see you after all the time you two were apart. She asked you to spare a moment to talk with her. You being the kind hearted type allowed her some time to chat with you.

The distance between you and I were rather far. You were across the room. I could see you, but you didn't see me. I watched with curiosity as to why she wanted to speak with you. I thought that she wanted to make amends with you. I gave her the benefit of the doubt because I don't want to judge anyone. So I left to give you the privacy everyone deserved. Was I wrong that time? I heard from a few of our mutual friends that she asked you to take her back and I heard that you two shared a hug, a strong embrace. No one could clarify which action came first though. I didn't jump to any conclusions. I knew better than that. But what if it was true? What if you forgot me and went back to her? You took her back once before, so who was to say you wouldn't again?

She was beautiful, much prettier than I was or could ever be. Who in their right mind would choose this over that? No one. She was gorgeous and I always had a bad experience with being put down for what I looked like. I never considered myself ugly, just not pretty.

It was obvious, right? The expression on my face, I mean. I was so good at hiding my expressions in the past, why did it fail me when I needed it the most?

I have no opinion about her personality, Ikuto. I didn't get to know her like you did. I was just intimidated by her: by her looks, her smile, and simply the fact that you two had a history together...before I even existed in your world.

But I didn't really exist in your world, did I? I just happened to be in it. At least, that was how I felt.

I shot out of my trance that night and sobbed uncontrollably into my hands. I tried to stay as silent as I could in hopes that I wouldn't disturb anyone else in the house.

It was just a dream. 'Just a dream,' I kept repeating.

I wanted to talk to you. No, I needed to talk to you. I only wanted to hear your voice, but you were sleeping at this hour, I was sure. I went to my computer and logged onto a social networking site like most people do when they're in need of some kind of mind occupation. I searched through pictures of you. Some of them were silly, others were serious, some candid photos. Then I came across a picture of you and her. She was hugging you from behind. She was smiling and you were really...happy to be with her. Your smile was so bright that it made me smile at you. I began crying again, like the baby I was being. Tears traveled down my cheeks and outlined the smile that I tried so hard to keep up, but my lips soon faltered and became a frown.

It hurt me so much. I wish I wasn't so shallow. I didn't mean to be. But it stung so badly when I thought of that picture and how happy she made you back then.

Why didn't I ever get to see that smile? Did I not make you genuinely happy? I wish I was able to bring that laughter to your face. I wish I could heal the heart that she broke. But will I even get the chance to? Or will she be back in your life to clean up the mess she made?

Sigh.

Why am I so insecure, Ikuto? Why do you even have me as your girlfriend today? I guess I should just count my blessings that you kept me around all this time.

I wish I could tell you all of this; I mean, _really_ tell you in person, but when is ever a good time? My thoughts are dark sometimes and deeper than even I can see. They're too far away to reach. I don't know how to sort out my thoughts. They're all jumbled up inside with nowhere to go.

Why do I keep on rambling on and on? What good will writing these letters do for me? It's not like you will ever get a chance to read them.

I only wish-"

The pen slowly slipped from Amu's hand, making a long ink streak across the white line paper. She had fallen asleep. She didn't notice it herself, but tears silently trickled down her cheek as she slowly nodded away.

The pen fell from her grasp, the paper still lying next to her on the coffee table, and Ikuto still resting on her lap.

As if on cue, slowly and groggily, Ikuto rubbed the sleep from his eyes and blinked away the tiredness from his face.

He slowly got up, not to disturb Amu from her sleep. But when he got up, he accidentally bumped Amu's arm, knocking a piece of paper from the table onto the floor.

He bent down to pick it up and noticed a familiar name in the title:  
"Hi, Ikuto," he began reading.

Amu shuffled around and woke up from her temporary state of death. As soon as she saw the note in his hands, she quickly snatched it from him and held it closely to her chest, sobbing like a child whose favorite toy was taken away. If she didn't notice the tears before, she definitely did now.

"Amu, what is that letter?"

"It's nothing!" she lied.

He advanced one step towards her and as a result, she immediately clutched the letter tightly, dropped to the floor, and prayed he hadn't read any of it.

"It's obviously not 'nothing', Amu. You wrote my name on it."

"It's not for you. It's for a different Ikuto!"

"Don't lie to me, Amu."

"I'm not lying! I just...I-" Without the time to come up with an excuse, Amu panicked and sat in a fetal position on the ground. "I'm sorry," she continuously apologized.

He crouched down next to her, being extra cautious that he wouldn't frighten her off. "I didn't read past the first line, if that makes you feel better."

She sighed in partial relief.

"Amu."

"I was writing something, but you can't read it. It's not done." _Not that you'll get a chance to read it when it **is** done._

"Alright then," he surrendered. Gently, he wiped a running tear from her red cheeks and said, "Get some rest."

She nodded in reply, but she did not sleep. She went home and finished up the letter.

…

"-I only wish you knew what I was thinking. I have so many thoughts racing through my head that I can never speak what I want.

My nightmare, Ikuto, happened while I was awake. I was not physically sleeping, but my conscience was. Nightmares don't always happen when you're sleeping.

But I tell myself this sometimes and it gives me a little hope:

_Maybe I'm too late to be your first,_

_But I'm preparing myself to be your last;_

_So prepare yourself._

This is all I can say for now. I'm emotionally drained and a bit tired. It's time for me to get my rest now.

Until my next letter, Ikuto,

Amu Hinamori"

…

It sucks sometimes that you can write an entire encyclopedia on what you're feeling, but when you want to finally get something off your chest, it never goes the way you want it. Sometimes you can't even string a simple sentence together.

Amu sighed as she sealed away her letter. She stared at it for a bit before she locked it away. A part of her wants to burn these letters, but the other part of her secretly wants Ikuto to find them and read everything. It sure would make things a lot simpler.

"I hope he never finds these," is what she says. But it may not be what she's thinking.

Another letter, another secret, just more bite marks on her tongue from things she never said.

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**Meilin: This chapter honestly made me tear up a bit while I was writing it. I hope some of you can relate to what happens. I'm here for you and if you need to talk, you got me :) Just leave me a PM if needed.**

**Until next time, my lovely readers~**


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